Intro to Academic Writing(2)
Friday 1-2
전연화(200602909)
paragraph about something great
The greatest moment for me is when I heard the voice on the phone say "Congratulations! You pass the exam for HUFS!" On hearing that, I just smiled a big smile to myself. The success really encouraged me a lot. I will never forget that moment when I was pressing the buttons on the phone. I was entering a hot line to find out my results in the final examination of HUFS. I remember having a hopeful but anxious feeling in my stomach. However, god seemed to have pulled a prank on me. The most depressing just followed the most inspiring success I have achieved. I was hit by a serious fever, which made me in bed for a whole week. If I hadn't been ill, I could have had a good time with my old friends and family before I come to Korea. I also missed the chance to enjoy a party which all my classmates took part in before we fell apart. What I want to say in the end is that Life, is always filled with sorrow and joy. Don't get vain when you success. Don't lose heart when meeting difficulties.
To YoenHwa Jeon - From HyeRi Lee
ReplyDeleteAssignment 2010-09-17
Hello, I'm HyeRi Lee and I'm going to tell you what I felt about your paragraph.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is you quoted the comment on the phone directly. Your paragraph seems more active by that sentence.
2. Your main point seemed to be "life is always filled with sorrow and joy." It was clear.
3. "Anxious feeling in my stomach" was powerful sentence because this words explain your feeling at that time well.
4. Everything was clear to me.I just wonder where you were before you come back to Korea. ^,^
Thanks a lot, see you on the class!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo So-Young Na From Jeon Yoen Hwa
ReplyDeleteAssignment Week 2
1. What I like about this piece of writing is her description of feelings when she knew that she had passed her college entrance examination.
2. The main point seems to be her greatest moment when she was notified that she had passed the entrance examination of HUFS.
3. 'god seemed to have pulled a prank on me'
This phrase struck me quite powerfully since I think she used it properly.
4. 'On hearing that, I just smiled a big smile to myself.'
This sentence sound a bit awkward because the word 'smile' is repeated. For example, maybe she can write 'On hearing that, I was grinning/smiling from ear to ear.'
5. I think she should focus a little more on passing the exam for HUFS since her main point is that. In my view, by mentioning her getting fever, her main point gets carried away. It would be better for her to describe her greatest moment with more detail.