200704216
Hyungmin Jeon
Protect Teens from Alcohols
Nowadays, more and more teenagers are exposed to alcohols and cigarettes worrying many parents and adults. To handle such problem, both governments of Korea and the U.S. are taking measures by means of strict rules and punishments. However, even though the two countries are pursuing the same goal and implementing a variety of methods, Korea, if it is compared to America, still has a long way to go in preventing teenagers from such violations.
Similarities of the two are quite obvious. An increasing number of students in both nations start drinking alcohol or smoking in their earlier ages than of the past. Under the law of the two countries, students are strongly restricted to alcohol and cigarettes. When it compared to the U.S., however, there are some loopholes in Korea for teenagers to break such rules. In Korea，store owners are strictly prohibited from selling alcohol to minors under the law. In reality, however, some minors can buy alcohol, saying that they lost their IDs. What would it be like in the U.S., a country which we might think is more generous or open in terms of drinking culture? In fact, compared to Korea, it has a draconian legal system in place to stop underage drinking. Detectives in plain clothes often engage in a sting operation to catch shop owners selling liquor to the minors. Teenagers cannot even think about purchasing alcohol pretending to have lost their IDs. If a shop owner is caught selling alcohol to minors three times within three years, his license is revoked, and in some cases he has to serve his time in prison. One there was an article about a Korean American living in LA who went bankrupt after being caught twice selling liquor to minors. His license was revoked and he even lost his ownership to his store.
All this is a reminder that it is shop owners who should be at the forefront of preventing minors from having access to alcohol. In the U.S. store owners never sell liquor to anyone who cannot prove that he or she is legally an adult because they know this can be a recipe for bankruptcy. In Korea, however, there is no shop owner who sells alcohol to minors and gets punished rightly. Thus, The Korean authorities and shop owners should learn a lesson from this and establish stronger and better-organized systems to protect young generation.
by 200901051
ReplyDelete1. the thesis statement does compare two subjects. Korea and the USA.
2. there is one body paragraph that does make a comparison. However, there is no body paragraph that does make a contrast.
3. the topic sentence of the body paragraph feels bit vague.
I think the topic sentence is about more and more underaged people start drinking and smoking early. However, the comparison goes about the US and Korean law and shop owners selling tabacco and alcohol to miners.
4. I think the topic sentence doesn't state the point of comparison.
5.the body paragraph does contain details to support the comparison.
6. Connectors have been used to add cohorence.
Your thesis statement compares two subjects, the attitude of Korean and American government, shop owners toward the purchasing of young on alcohols
ReplyDeleteOne body paragraph in your writing focuses on both comparison and contrast.
Each body paragraph has a clear topic sentence.
The topic sentence of body paragraph seems not to state the point of comparison and contrast at the same time clearly.
The body paragraph contains details to support the comparison and contrast.
You used connectors very successively to add coherence.