Invention of the Computer
Introduction of Academic Writing
Friday 1-2
Prof. John Bahk-Halberg
200702742 HyeRi Lee
Do you know that the first computer is originated from ancient calculators? In 1624, when the time it was invented, the people could just addition and subtraction with it. After some decades, the calculator improved so it could calculate some complicated calculations. The first computer which is similar with the shape of computers nowadays is called ENIAC, which had electronic formula. From that time, computers are so broadly used in our life, and its range is so huge.
Computer helps us to live in comfortable circumstances, and the convenience from the computer is so enormous, so maybe we cannot live without it anymore. Though we cannot see the computer itself on the surface, but it's manipulating the data in every corner of our life. Even the small cell phones have a small computer in them. We cannot even imagine life without cell phones. Of course there are some opinions that the computers have bad influence on children due to its addictive materials. It is, however, can be controlled by their parents or teachers with the controlling software.
Computers have been evolved for many decades and absorbed into our life. Before we insist the side effects of the equipment, there have to be measures and tools to control our behavior of using computers. Then the computers can be developed into a better instrument which can promote and nourish our lives.
1. You have three paragraphs in your essay.
ReplyDelete2. I think your hook appeals many readers, because it is not well-known knowledge about computer.
3. Your oppinion is that computer is broadly used in huge ranges.
I think it is better to make the sentence clearer.
4. There are much reasons on your opinion, but more concrete and detailed reason makes readers concentrate on your essay while reading.
5. I agree on the statement "We cannot even imagine life without cell phone.", because I think cell phone is the best man-made invention.
And I also caanot imagine my life without cell phone.
It would be boring and lonely.
6. The second sentence of the conclusion paragragh is little bit ambiguous.
When I read it firts, I cannot understand the meaning of 'ther have to be measures and tools.'
I think ommitting one word can make your conclusion clearer.
P.93 2nd Draft Opinion Essay 200702742 HyeRi Lee
ReplyDeleteInvention of the Computer
Introduction of Academic Writing
Friday 1-2
Prof. Jon Bahk-Halberg
200702742 HyeRi Lee
Do you know that the first computer is originated from ancient calculators? In 1624, when the time it was invented, the people could just addition and subtraction with it. After some decades, the calculator improved so it could calculate some complicated calculations. The first computer which is similar with the shape of modern computer is called ENIAC, which had an electronic formula. From that time, computers have so broadly been used in our life, and its range is so huge.
Computer helps us to live in comfortable circumstances, and the convenience we can get from the computer is so enormous, so maybe we cannot live without it anymore. Though we cannot see the efficiency of the computer itself on the surface, but it is manipulating the data in every corner of our life. Even the small cell phones have a small computer in them. We cannot even imagine life without cell phones. Of course there are some opinions that the computers have bad influence on children due to its addictive materials. It is, however, can be controlled by their parents or teachers with the controlling software which can limit the playing time of the computer.
Computers have been evolved for many decades and absorbed into our life. Before we insist the side effects of the equipment, we have to know that there are enough measures and tools to control our behavior of using computers. Then the computers can be developed into a better instrument which can promote and nourish our lives.